Veteran's Day

I always think about my grandpa on Veteran's Day. I miss Grandpa. He died when I was like 9. He was awesome. I wish he was still around. I'm pretty sure he'd be proud of the way I turned out. He always was proud of me and all my little daily accomplishments. I remember going to visit him and sitting on his lap, drawing on his yellow legal pad, drinking Tang. Grandpa always had Tang for me. I remeber how he smelled. He smelled sweet like Breathsavers and tobacco and that old Grandpa smell that I just can't even describe. The best present I ever got for Christmas was the brand new Radio Flyer that he gave me. He gave one to Cody, too, and we had some good times with those wagons. At my house we always used to get in them and race down the hill, seeing who could get to the bottom the fastest and crash the biggest. Those were the good old days.
Grandpa came to live with us shortly after Emma was born. He was always sitting at the dining room table, drinking his Pabst Blue Ribbon, listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter on the radio when I got home from school every day. He'd always ask me what I did that day and I'd show him the good grades I got on my tests or whatever and he'd pull some change out of his pocket and give it to me. That was Grandpa's thing. He always gave me a big box of change on my birthday that he had spent the whole year saving up just for me. Grandpa was my world. When he died I thought for sure that I would cease living, too. Mom and Dad wouldn't let me go to the funeral and I was really mad at them for that for a long time. I guess it was for the best, though. Those days when we visited him in the hospital while he was being treated for the cancer, those were hard days. I hated seeing my grandpa like that, helpless, laying in a bed, wearing a hospital gown. He died in the nursing home. That was the last place he wanted to be when he died. If I ever go to a nursing home when I'm old I think I'll do the same thing he did. Just quit eating. Quit trying. That's where I got my pride from. Grandpa was the proudest, most stubborn man I ever knew. And oh how I loved him.

I'm sitting here with Meiko in the pocket of my sweatshirt. He loves it in my pocket. He either wants to be in my pocket or in my hood. He likes to sit in my hood and chew on my neck. Unfortunately, I am allergic, so I have a lovely rash all over my neck now. Plus, I wore the necklace that Hayley gave me two days without taking it off. I'm sure that didn't help. It's a really cute necklace and I like to wear it becuase it makes me feel special. It's one of those little girl necklaces that says "friend" on it. She has the one that says "best." She gave it to me because she said that I am her best friend. How sweet is that?
Today is Hannah's tenth birthday. I can't believe she's that old already. I remember the first day I saw her when she was only two days old. She was so tiny, so cute. I couldn't keep my eyes off her. Mom always got mad at me because I'd quit doing my schoolwork and just walk over to her crib and look at her. I sketched her once when she was about two years old. She had fallen asleep on my couch and I lovingly covered her with my blanket and decided I had better take advantage of her stillness and draw her. It's the best drawing I've ever done. I haven't been able to even come close to it. Maybe that's why I gave up drawing. I still have it in a folder somewhere.
I don't have to work today due to the holiday. I'm kind of bummed because I won't get a letter until Monday. That's four whole days without a letter. I just gave him one yesterday.
It'll be nice to be able to spend the whole day with my sisters. I'll definitely be ready for a break tomorrow, though, so you won't hear me complaining about having to work this Saturday. I'm going to take the girls to see "Dreamer" tonight. Then I promised I'd take them to see "Chicken Little" Sunday. Last night Chayse asked me to come to his play tomorrow night. They're doing "Our Town" at the high school. He's a pallbearer, he said. So it looks like I'll have a full weekend.
I'm kind of feeling like crap today. I hate to hurt people. I hurt him really bad. His sister came in last night and I couldn't even look at her, I felt so ashamed. I'm sure his family hates me now. I would hate me, too. I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't stand the thought of holding him back from what's out there for him. All he ever said was that I never hold him back, but I know I did. He can't find true happiness if he's consumed with me. I just really hate myself today. I honestly did like him, I just didn't love him and I didn't want him to keep thinking that there was a chance that I would someday.
I wonder what it's like to be in love. I've never felt that before. I'm more afraid of falling in love than anything else. It would be nice, yes, but it still scares me. I'm afraid of that just like I'm afraid of death, I guess. Instead of embracing the unknown I fear it.
In our letters we've just talked about generic stuff and it's been really nice. There's no pressure. It's nice just being friends and getting to know each other. You know what's weird? I've only talked with him face-to-face twice.